So Close and Yet So Far

I’m not sure this phrase could be more appropriately placed than when in reference to a woman awaiting the birth of her child.

As Baby Hyatt has grown bigger (and me with her), and her movements are more and more fluidly human, I’m astounded at how literally close we are. For all intents and purposes, we couldn’t be any closer…

And yet the road to her actually being born and placed in my arms feels light years away, at times. Throughout pregnancy, despite how fast the weeks seem to pass and how every other co-worker loves to remind me that “so soon” baby will be here, the slow drudge of time becomes maddening. And as time moves onward and the end of the road comes into focus, the true battle, the true test that awaits me before achieving Status: Motherhood makes the destination feel even further away.

Truly incredible that the journey of a handful of inches can such an arduous undertaking.

It’s all feeling wholly unpredictable these days. It’s strange, because I have felt fairly confident and comfortable throughout my pregnancy with the idea of labor and the pain involved. I feel strongly about what I want and equally as eager to see things go how I plan. But I am wise enough to know, as the days chug along, that nothing ever goes as planned. I’m already feeling the truth of that.

I’ve had friends and family message me, asking if I’m getting really excited. If I’m elated at the thought of meeting my baby soon. If I’m feeling “ready” — ready for pregnancy to be over and ready to finally enter into the very real world of parenthood.

Yes. Yes to all of those things. But that also seems like too simplistic an answer to everything that is currently happening; mentally, physically, emotionally, professionally, socially — every area of my life is feeling the effects of this one thing, and the majority of it feels entirely out of my control. It feels bigger than I could have ever anticipated, in more ways than I would have thought possible.

Not having a baby, mind you. No. Simply being here, now, where I currently am: pregnant and waiting. Feeling how close my baby’s birth is, and yet overwhelmed at how much there still is to come before it. Things I want to get done, knowing full well that it’s unlikely I will.

Only 3 weeks left. Or less. Or more. Who knows…

So things continue on as normal, and yet not normal at all, as I try and be a functional human person living a life with some level of responsibility, while still battling with a level of physical discomfort I could not have foreseen, and working to wrap my head around an impending event (time: TBD) that will change my life forever.

What a trip this experience has been. And still is.

(Images: 19 weeks, 2 days; 37 weeks, 1 day)

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